


Missionary

by PetrichorPerfume



Series: Shenanigans [50]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: And he makes people feel good, Blasphemy, But not in the fun way, Demon Deals, Demonic Possession, Flattery will get you everywhere, Incest, Jesus the actual dude, Lucifer is a Satanist, M/M, Missionaries, Multi, he's huge in Africa, jesus the penis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-07
Updated: 2014-08-07
Packaged: 2018-02-12 03:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2093766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PetrichorPerfume/pseuds/PetrichorPerfume
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucifer has a conversation with a missionary. They talk about Michael's Jesus and Lucifer's Garden of Eden.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Missionary

“Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about Jesus?”

 

Lucifer grins. “Why, of course. I love you to talk to you about Jesus, kind sir.”

 

The missionary smiles. “Well, I’m sure you know by now that Jesus is God’s gift to mankind.”

 

Lucifer nods gravely. “I’ve been told.”

 

“And Jesus performs many miracles on a daily basis.”

 

Lucifer pauses to consider this. “Well, that’s flattering, but usually he just has people screaming the Almighty’s name.”

 

The missionary’s smile falters for a moment. “And surely you’re aware that Jesus is huge in Africa right now.”

 

Lucifer chuckles. “I’ll have to try that on for size, if you know what I mean.”

 

The missionary fakes a laugh. “Jesus makes people feel good on a soul-deep level.”

 

Lucifer leers at the man. “Would you like to see Jesus?”

 

“W-well... We all hope to get the privilege of walking in the Lord’s presence one day.”

 

Lucifer licks his lips. “How would you like to see him right. Now?”

 

“Are... Are you threatening me?”

 

Lucifer frowns. “Of course not. I would never. Sammy would be cross with me.”

 

The missionary brightens. “May I speak to your wife as well?”

 

Lucifer shakes his head. “My Sammy isn’t fond of our wonderful religion. He uses the Archangel Gabriel’s name in bed and whenever he wants to consummate our bond he says, “Lucifer, please fuck me!” He was once possessed by a demon and his brother, his father, and his adopted father all sold their souls.”

 

“Oh dear,” he missionary tuts. “Are you sure you don’t want me to have a chat with... Him?”

 

Lucifer shakes his head. “He’s watching our brothers have sex right now. It would be incredibly rude to interrupt.”

 

The missionary gasps. “How can a good Christian man like yourself live in such a place?”

 

Lucifer’s eyes widen slightly. “Christian? You’re a _Christian?_ I could have sworn you were one of mine. All those repressed thoughts about your brother-in-law... That drinking problem of yours... That one time in the desert ten years ago when you lost your virginity to your cousin... Tsk, tsk.”

 

The missionary makes the sign of the cross. “Devil-worshiper! Saint Michael will bring vengeance on this house!”

 

Lucifer raises on elegant eyebrow. “If you mean he’ll put his Jesus in my Garden of Eden, I’m looking forward for it. Oh, and I prefer Lucifer. Have a great life.”


End file.
